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  1. #1
    Piano improve/composition Member kentaku_sama's Avatar
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    Default A short scrap in 4th person perspective

    I'm not a writer, I'm a manga artist and musician but I wanted to have fun with this.

    "You see a street of people, ok. There lines up at the coffee shop." "Ok so there is a girl with brown hair and a black jacket.
    She's been waiting in line for hours. " Ok so what's up? Why are you writing about a girl at a coffee shop?
    There's not much point in it, why is she waiting in line? "Just trust me, I'm the one writing, so It'll be ok" Well, I hope so...
    The girl thinks to herself: "I can't believe I'm having to wait this long just to get some coffee.... HEY ONE WRITING ABOUT ME?
    Why are you making me wait so long?!" I have to have something to write about, if everything was perfect i'd be boring.
    "That ain't fair, I'm thursty." Ok, ok... So now the girl is the one in front "That's more I like it", Um, the girl just said that.
    The girl gets to the counter then the woman says "Whoops, sorry honey, we're all out' a coffee." "You're mean!"
    Ok so now she just gave up and is going to mc.donalds.

    basically I attempted to write in 4th person perspective.

  2. #2
    Please support Ichigo's Ichigo's Supporter Ichigo's Supporting Member Solaphar's Avatar
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    Hmm, let's see... You have a combination of first, second, and third person, with an additional use of meta-reference (a demonstration of self-reference used in metafiction).

    It's in interesting snippet, and it's cool that you're trying to be creative (and it may indeed be a good learning experience for you), but it's not "fourth person perspective", because that doesn't exist. There is a first party "I/we", a second "you", & a third "it/she/he/they", but there is no fourth party. There are only those three perspectives either individually or in a combination (as you've done). Even when you can have a combination of those three parties/persons, as well as other literary techniques, that still does not create a fourth party situation (which as I've pointed out, is impossible).

    Nevertheless, keep trying new things. I think it's good that you're trying to expand your horizons and abilities. =)

  3. #3
    Rex Ars ex Inane Member M's Avatar
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    A fourth person in English grammar doesn't exist. Breaking the Fourth/Fifth Wall does. The above seems like a scattered attempt to do this.

    "No longer will you be looking from outside; you will be living it.
    "Today you will become a part of the Fantasia."

  4. #4
    Right Here, With You Member
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    I see what you're doing. It's a bit messy but I've read works that incorporated this very well in small bits here and there. Basically you're presenting a character in the first person, having him interact with other characters without using quotation marks for his lines so as to create the illusion that the reader is him for the duration of the scene.

    It's doable, but best used sparingly and only in rare scenes where you want the reader to experience exactly what a character's experiencing.

  5. #5

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    The closest thing to a whole new "person" that I've seen is probably stream-of-consciousness writing, la James Joyce or Virginia Woolf, which I've NEVER been able to get through. But basically:

    1st person: The narrator is telling the reader their story.
    2nd person: The narrator is watching the reader do something, and describing it to them.
    3rd person: The narrator is describing someone else's story to the reader.
    Stream-of-consciousness: There is no narrator. You read a rough transcription of EVERYTHING that goes on in someone's consciousness...and humans don't think in complete sentences.

  6. #6
    composer- not transcriber Member Von Hohenheim's Avatar
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    So...
    1st person: person
    2nd person: to person
    3rd person: separate from person
    4th person: separate from narrator/person
    Von Hohenheim

  7. #7
    Please support Ichigo's Ichigo's Supporter Ichigo's Supporting Member Solaphar's Avatar
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    Author writes narrating his actions/thoughts: First person.

    Author writes narrating your (the reader's) actions/thoughts: Second person.

    When the author writes about neither himself nor the reader, but others, then it's third person.


    There is no fourth, lol. Anyone who claims that there is such a thing will be laughed out of the room by their English professor. =)

  8. #8
    Rex Ars ex Inane Member M's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Solaphar View Post
    There is no fourth, lol. Anyone who claims that there is such a thing will be laughed out of the room by their English professor. =)

    "No longer will you be looking from outside; you will be living it.
    "Today you will become a part of the Fantasia."

  9. #9
    Templer of Phi Member Jadawin's Avatar
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    despite the debate about the existence of a fourth perspective which short of momentary jumps in and out of our none euclidean space time seems almost impossible, I really liked what you were trying to do (a side note it reminded me randomly of a program called love joy where the main character would talk to the camera occasionally). I think it might help the reader if you were to differentiate between perspectives by altering the text say using italic for when the character is talking to the author or something.
    I'll be in my lab

  10. #10
    Please support Ichigo's Ichigo's Supporter Ichigo's Supporting Member Solaphar's Avatar
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    Edit: Never mind. I didn't fully think it through before typing the post, and I just realized it could be taken the wrong way. (And I'd rather not drag out this tedious thread any longer)
    Last edited by Solaphar; June 21st, 2011 at 05:26 am. Reason: Wish there was a 'delete post' option.

  11. #11
    Ichigos Sand Bag Member HopelessComposer's Avatar
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    Edit: Never mind. I didn't fully think it through before typing the post, and I just realized it could be taken the wrong way. (And I'd rather not drag out this tedious thread any longer)
    Could you please stop deciding when threads are over? =P
    The OP posted their work for critique. More people could come in here and critique it. You saying "alright OP, let's end your thread now" is pretty rude.

    @kentaku: interesting, but not well done enough to make me want to read more. It'd take some serious writing skill to pull off such a messy style, honestly.

  12. #12
    composer- not transcriber Member Von Hohenheim's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by HopelessComposer View Post
    Could you please stop deciding when threads are over? =P
    The OP posted their work for critique. More people could come in here and critique it. You saying "alright OP, let's end your thread now" is pretty rude.

    @kentaku: interesting, but not well done enough to make me want to read more. It'd take some serious writing skill to pull off such a messy style, honestly.
    Are you saying that wasn't rude? I'm intrigued. I'd like something longer, with a full plot, though. Maybe a page or two of material
    Von Hohenheim

  13. #13
    Ichigos Sand Bag Member HopelessComposer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Von Hohenheim View Post
    Are you saying that wasn't rude? I'm intrigued. I'd like something longer, with a full plot, though. Maybe a page or two of material
    Telling people they're being rude is rude now? Doesn't that make you rude, too? =)
    Or were you telling me my to-the-point, honest critique was rude? Isn't lying more rude? =D
    Last edited by HopelessComposer; June 22nd, 2011 at 04:33 am.

  14. #14
    Piano improve/composition Member kentaku_sama's Avatar
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    Well it was an expiriement and I was bored. Just trying wierd new stuff out but like I said I'm not a writer. I can make and plot a story but I can't flesh it out in beautiful concise words like a good writer can. I'm an Artist and musician, my brother is freakin awesome as a writer but he's also a musician and photoshop artist as well. He's writing a book series called "After Dark" and he's only 15. It's his first but I swear he was a pro writer. It's really awesome, interesting and well written and worded. He's attempted other books but this one is the first one he's going to write the whole thing and publish it hopefully. It seems like such a fantasy to imagine a book that isn't even finished being written to be a movie but it seriously has a mountain of potential to a franchise.

    The books follow in this series (although some titles are just working titles)

    After Dark, Dawn, Noon, Dusk, Sunset, Midnight. It's an Action-Drama story with little bits of comic relief. He told me Noon was the worst as far as how bad thing are going for Anna, Michael, Olandia , and Aestael [nice and bloody]. While midnight takes on a very dark tone. It's like me telling you about harry potter it's too detailed and complexed to write here about. The setting is minnesota in a very small town called Bartain. And michael, aestael, and alot of other characters are something called nanabozho which is like a shape shifter but it's like each person has their own animal they turn into but it's not a secondary form it's more like their other half.

  15. #15
    Ichigos Sand Bag Member HopelessComposer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kentaku_sama View Post
    Well it was an expiriement and I was bored. Just trying wierd new stuff out but like I said I'm not a writer. I can make and plot a story but I can't flesh it out in beautiful concise words like a good writer can. I'm an Artist and musician, my brother is freakin awesome as a writer but he's also a musician and photoshop artist as well. He's writing a book series called "After Dark" and he's only 15. It's his first but I swear he was a pro writer. It's really awesome, interesting and well written and worded. He's attempted other books but this one is the first one he's going to write the whole thing and publish it hopefully. It seems like such a fantasy to imagine a book that isn't even finished being written to be a movie but it seriously has a mountain of potential to a franchise.

    The books follow in this series (although some titles are just working titles)

    After Dark, Dawn, Noon, Dusk, Sunset, Midnight. It's an Action-Drama story with little bits of comic relief. He told me Noon was the worst as far as how bad thing are going for Anna, Michael, Olandia , and Aestael [nice and bloody]. While midnight takes on a very dark tone. It's like me telling you about harry potter it's too detailed and complexed to write here about. The setting is minnesota in a very small town called Bartain. And michael, aestael, and alot of other characters are something called nanabozho which is like a shape shifter but it's like each person has their own animal they turn into but it's not a secondary form it's more like their other half.
    Yeah, you'll get good at whatever you practice. If you enjoy writing, keep it up, and soon enough, you'll be able to write in any style you want.
    I can see what you were trying to do, and it wasn't a bad read. It just wasn't super well done, either. You'll get better with practice, though! =)

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